A few weeks ago, I went to the funeral of my mother-in-law. Staring at the dead body of someone I so dearly loved for three days (3-day funerals are a Filipino custom) really kicked my ass. She was a beautiful, stubborn, fiercely independent woman who made me laugh every time I saw her—even though it was often in a hospital. When she was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer that had spread to her bones, the doctors gave her six months. She lived another three years.
But what cancer did to her body was devastating to watch. If you’ve been through it with a friend or family member (or yourself), you know what I mean. If you haven’t, I hope you never experience it.
It reminded me that this body I use every day to get around and do stuff is actually on lease. I don’t own it. I get to use it for the time I’m here on Earth, and there are no guarantees how long that will be. If I mess it up, I don’t get a new one. There’s no back-up body.
This matters because, in my teens and early twenties, if there was something I shouldn’t have done to my body, I did it. Staying up all night, binge drinking, chain smoking cigarettes and cigars, indulging in acid, mushrooms, painkillers and pot. In my tweens, I even carved a cross into my arm with glass, then tried to fill it in with ink.
Yeah. Not exactly a poster girl for self love (or common sense).
In my 20s, I traded all of those addictions for what felt like a better one—I became a workaholic. My employers rewarded me with promotions and raises. I thought I’d finally figured life out. Then, at 31, my immune system imploded from the stress. I was diagnosed with a severe autoimmune disorder that took me 8+ years to heal.
All that healing was only possible because I learned how to love myself. And I don’t mean that one day I looked in the mirror and said “Hey girl, I love you!” and then I was done. What I mean is, I started actually showing love toward myself with my thoughts and actions on a daily basis—love is a verb, not a noun. It is probably better described as “self care”.
What Self Care Looks Like
I learned to say kind things to myself, all day every day. I quit smoking. I quit binge drinking (I still love cocktails but I only ever have one). I drink one coffee a day, so I make it a good one. I started eating greens and foods with fiber. I walk daily and get to the gym when I can. I still eat pastry and all sorts of fun things, but in moderation.
And, like you, I’m still on that journey. For months now, I’ve been working on healing this weird tingly back/arm thing caused by sitting too many hours at a computer the wrong way, and also from not breathing properly (a side effect of living with anxiety is that my body forgets to breathe out; fortunately my daily meditation practice has made this about 80% better than it used to be).
I think of my body as a fun vehicle I’ve been given to experience my life with. I imagine myself as a Kia Soul, unique and quirky but practical and useful, a little slow to get up to speed but dependable once I get going. And I remember from when I had my own (actual) car that if I don’t change the oil, get it rustproofed, wash it and take loving care of it, the car begins dragging and breaking down. It gets old before its time. It can support me only as long as I support it.
Similarly, there is a partnership between the spirit and the body. Without the body we can’t experience physical things. Without the spirit to animate it, the body decomposes. So deepening our connection and relationship with our body, and loving and taking care of it is a sacred act, an investment in a long, fun partnership together.
So today, rather than being angry with my body for not keeping up with my mind, and all the things my mind believes I should be doing right now, I’m working hard to say kind things to myself, rest, breathe out and do my therapist-assigned exercises.
I say I’m “working hard” because these kinds of changes aren’t easy.
My mind is a tyrant with very little empathy for my body. It believes I’m either productive or lazy—there’s no in between. Most of us have a critical tyrant in our minds, installed during our childhood, and it’s no picnic trying to rise above it.
This is why supporting yourself takes a committed daily effort. Choosing kindness toward yourself rather than judgment day after day requires intention, effort, repetition and self forgiveness. At first it will feel impossible, but you’ll get better at it with practice.
Today’s Challenge
Choose kindness toward yourself…and others (hey, they’re human too). Don’t let that tyrant in your mind go unchecked. Ask yourself what your body needs more of to thrive and honour it. Ask your soul what it needs as well.
Remember that you don’t know when it will be you lying in that coffin, your lease over. So if you are really busy, make sure you’re working on things you actually care about. Even then, give yourself permission to rest, and also to play and spend quality time with people you enjoy. Trade disappointment and resentment for gratitude and appreciation.
This isn’t a practice run. There is no do-over. So make sure you enjoy the shit out of this day, and out of this life. It will take effort, but it’s worth it.
Rise up and shine as your True Self,
Shawn xo
P.S. Share what you’re learning about self care in the comments section below or on my Facebook page. Let’s create community together! We are here to share who we ARE and support each other! ♡ Also, if you know someone else who could stand to rest more and be more kind to themselves about it, please share this with them!
- It taps you into your purpose + life's calling.
- This gives you focus + motivation + momentum.
- It comes with a video tutorial + mini-course.
- + 6 days of life-changing secrets on harnessing the power of your subconscious mind to do bigger things faster + happier.
