Struggling to Find Love?

It’s all in your head. Your perception is everything. No you won’t always get your way in life, but you decide your reaction; you decide to see the positive or the negative; you decide how you will see the world. You decide what stories you will tell yourself about yourself.

Yesterday was a very good example of how not to deal with not getting your way. Being melodramatic is not useful or helpful. Falling apart only damages your health, creates negative pathways in your brain, sends negative vibes out who knows where, tells the universe that you don’t appreciate what you do have—all the positives you’ve been given, that many others don’t have. Right?

Happiness is a choice. You say this, but you better learn to know it and understand it and live and breathe it, because saying it doesn’t mean shit. Live it.

Question yourself: why must you suffer because you don’t get your way? Why must you blame yourself and others just because things didn’t go the way you expected? Does this help anything? No. Is this logical? No. It is not a catastrophe not to get your way. Period.

Feeling wronged or abandoned or empty or like you’re worthless…that’s all a decision you choose to make or not make. It’s a story you are telling yourself. What others decide is not evidence of this. You determine your value.

And you, like all beings, are valuable because you are part of perfection, a piece of this glorious universal energy. You can’t be wrong, or bad. The universe doesn’t judge. It just reflects back to you what you send to it. If that doesn’t kick your ass to be positive, I don’t know what will.

It doesn’t blame. People blame. It doesn’t punish. People punish. It doesn’t judge. People judge. It’s like a mirror, reflecting what you create back to you…hence karma.

So if you’re upset with your circumstances sweetheart, I’ve got news for you—it’s not the universe’s fault. It’s not trying to hurt you or punish you, so there’s no point asking why. If you don’t like what is being reflected back, it might mean you need to look at your thoughts and beliefs, or it may just be part of the unfolding a bigger picture, and you have to wait to see the whole thing.

You have got to lighten up and keep your sense of humour. You’re just part of this big energy system, a valuable part but just a part of a whole. This body won’t even last—that’s a fact. Only the energy lives on, with whatever you’ve learned.

So no you can’t cling to romantic notions of forever after with Mr. Perfect. That’s not useful for growth. You can have a mature relationship that may well last a lifetime, but it has got to be based on you being yourself, standing on your own, two beings sharing space because they choose to.

And you have to remember that E. has free will. He has a say in what happens here. He may feel it’s easier for him to go forward alone. And you should respect that. And further, as the universe may be pointing out, you probably haven’t considered all the things that go with waiting for this guy. Right?

For example: how emotional you can be. You have started on this path and that is commendable, but you, my friend, are no stellar example of calm and cool under all conditions. If you don’t hear from him for weeks, or if you start hearing about all these cool girls or something, how will you fare? Is that good for you? And what if he chooses to stay on and keep travelling? He may and he would have a right to that decision.

The universe seems to think that you will stagnate if you wait. So maybe the best thing is to let go, with the understanding that no one can see the distant future, because it’s still being formed. You could do everything right by way of the universe, and that still leaves E. to make his own choices, and walk his own path, his own journey. It will be challenging. You can’t help him. You have helped him a lot, opened his mind to other directions. This trip will change his life and you played a role in that. You can feel good about that. You impacted his life.

Don’t be so self-focused—forget the “what’s in it for me,” crap. You’re better than that. What’s in it for you is you touched his life and he touched yours. Don’t tell me you didn’t love all that romantic stuff? It was up and down all the way…there was no permanent up, no long stretch of perfection to cling to. You’re inventing it.

You felt distant when he was all in. And then he felt distant when you were all in. There was only a very short stretch, not even, when you were both on the same page. So don’t give me this crap about this being the perfect romance of a lifetime.

There’s a lot you’re not looking at. He is coming from a different place, identifying with brands and money and things. More than he’s shared with you, because he knows you aren’t into that. This trip is gonna kick him in the ass. So if you think you’re getting kicked in the ass by the universe to grow and you’re not liking it, just wait till you see what E. is going to go through. He’s going to face that question: who and what am I without my title and my things? And it’s going to be interesting.

So you are fabricating a lot of things, and that is a big part of what’s contributing to this overwhelming sense of despair—The Anatomy of Despair. Ha.

You are pretending this was a fairytale relationship. It wasn’t. It had lots of bumps. And you’re assuming that because you put in all that effort to get through those bumps, that you should be rewarded with happily ever after. Nuh-uhh. Wherever did you get that idea? Haven’t you got it yet?

It’s all about learning. So have you gained from this? Yes. Was it a horrendous, tortuous and cruel thing that the universe has made you go through? Uh, no.

You have not lived through a war, crawled through the dirt, seen your parents murdered. You have not suffered atrocities. Okay, your childhood sucked. I’ll give you that. But you have been blessed beyond most people’s imaginations.

You have family, friends, a safe place to live, an easy job, a passion that you enjoy, opportunities all around. So do you suppose the universe should be feeling some kind of guilt or something for doing you wrong?

You know there is no guilt in the universe, right? That’s a human thing. Anger. Regret. Despair. Jealousy. Addiction. These are human. We use them to fill our imagined emptiness, and they are what we are here to rise above. They are our daily math tests and spelling Bs. And it’s okay if you don’t get A’s every day, just so long as you keep improving and studying and learning and practicing. That’s what it’s about.

It is not about perfection. It is not about having everybody love and admire you. It is not about public acclaim. It is not about money.

Right now you are wealthy—a very wealthy woman. You have everything you need and then some. You are surrounded by beauty, by paintings and photographs, art, music, philosophy, news, tools of creation like a computer, cameras, etc. You have feet to carry you to the park, to the store, to Kalamazoo if you want. You are young and full of life and ideas. What the fuck do you have to be depressed about?

Get real my love. And you are MY love—love starts with yourself. It radiates out and it ends with yourself too. A big circle. A never ending exchange. Sharing love feels good. But clinging to love—that don’t feel so good. Why? Cuz it ain’t love. It’s addiction. It’s insecurity. It’s selfishness. It’s disillusionment.

That’s why it hurts so much. Not because someone wronged you. Not because you’re bad or someone else is bad. Because it’s against the energy of the universe—which is love. It’s like trying to run down an escalator that’s going up. It’s not the natural way of things. It’s one of the things we are meant to learn to rise above.

Compassion, love, kindness, enthusiasm, fun, happiness—these are all going with the universe’s energy. Negative emotions will take you down the up escalator, and you will be struggling and that’s why.

This knowledge of course doesn’t make any of this easy. You have created lifetime habits of self pity, melodrama, addictions, anger, blame, judgment and jealousy. This is not to say all these things can’t and won’t change. They will. They can. Just that it’s important to recognize them.

And also to recognize the increase in the last ten years of the positive things you have introduced. You have been much less selfish. Much less addictive. Much less melodramatic and angry. You’ve done less blaming and less judging and felt less jealousy. Why? All your hard work. Meditation. Study and practice. So you deserve to pat yourself on the back. But you can’t become complacent. You have to keep going. That’s what the universe is saying to you.

This is not about E. This is about you. E. may come and go, and he may even come back at some point, or not. But that’s not the point. The point is that your strength doesn’t come from E., or this addiction to needing to feel like he likes you, needs you. That’s not strength at all. That’s not even love.

Your strength comes from the energy of the universe, which is Love. It’s Love in its purest form. And you don’t need E. to have it. You don’t need a boyfriend to have it. That whole notion comes from movies, comes from culture. Yes human beings like companionship, so you will likely find a life mate, whether it’s E. or not.

But first you need to really find yourself, know yourself. You’ve come a long way. Just keep going. Can’t you hear the universe cheering you on? It is. It wants you to succeed. To be joyful and happy and fulfilled and have abundance, feel good and share that with everyone. It wants that for you.

But that won’t come from E. or from any outside person or thing. It won’t come from publishing a book either, that you know. It can only come from inside. The light of love is inside. The answer to filling that dark space, it’s inside. The rejection issues and all that—just comes from your childhood, and the answer is love and forgiveness and endless acceptance of yourself.

You do not have less value if someone passes out of your life. How can you? You are part of the same energy system they are. You are of the same value. And getting angry, doesn’t help at all. It’s not even logical. Feeling despair is also not logical.

You haven’t lost anything—really you’re still connected to them, to everyone and everything. You are not alone. You are not a single entity existing by yourself. That’s ego.

And there is the culprit of your suffering. There is the thing that owns despair, jealousy, anger, addictions. EGO. Let’s name her Sheila. Sheila believes that she is what she achieves or has or who likes her. Sheila feels valueless unless someone likes her. As long as someone shows interest in her, then she feels good, valued, strong. But as soon as they take that away she crumples like a house of cards.

Yes, Sheila very much wants to control you and your life. Wants you to endlessly prove your value and collect proof of that through acquisition of people and things. Sheila does not like to compete unless she can win, because this proves to her that she has value.

She is very fragile, this Sheila, because she has not yet learned to fully love herself. She hides this with a cool exterior and, when pushed, with aggression. These are her defense mechanisms. Do you really want her running your life?

______________

Okay. So all that stuff with E.—it’s just ego. It’s not me. Sheila, the ego part, is saying “Oh no, I have no value, because that guy isn’t here telling me I have value. If I don’t have a guy then I am nothing! Help!” And she’s saying the same thing about publishing a book and being recognized by other writers and editors, and having money.

Well, if I’m going to be happy, and I am, then Sheila is going to have to learn to take a back seat. She’s not driving anymore. I’m taking away her license.

From now on, I will try to be directed entirely by the creative energy of spirit—that river that runs through everything, living and inanimate, that connects us all, so that all things are one. I choose to let go of ego. Because I know the path to real happiness, and to fulfillment of my purpose in life, is through the universal energy.

• I, Shawn Phelps, choose to live with purpose, guided by the light of the universal energy whose seven faces are creativity, kindness, love, beauty, expansion, abundance and receptivity.
• I choose to serve this positive energy in every way I can, and allow it to work through me and for me. I choose to spread positive energy everywhere I can—sending ripple effects all over the place.
• I choose to change the world by starting with myself and knowing that it is the small things that have the biggest impact.
• I choose to be one of the lights that dispels the darkness, the love that weakens hate, a force for the positive, the possible—for possibilities that maybe no one even knows exists.
• I choose to be all of these things, because I already am all of these things. I come from this—this is my true nature, and I am happiest in alignment with it, and not with ego.

These are truths. This is the answer to every question.